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-Only child- Married- Mom- Navy vet- Perpetual college student- Bipolar- Music lover- Storyteller- Word user- Human-

Jun 11, 2011

A boring pathetic fuddy duddy at 28

How pathetic is it that at 28 years of age I'm a boring old housewife with no topic of conversation other than my kid? Or sometimes not even that, so I bore everyone around me?

Yes, this is a mopey, feeling sorry for myself post.



It seems like I have little to contribute to social gatherings, even small ones, other than general conversation or talking about my kid. I have no life outside of him. And on one level I'm okay with that. I decided long ago that I wanted to be at home with him, watching him grow up. I tried working one summer and lasted all of two weeks before I quit. I also have wanted to homeschool him since before he was born, and I'm excited about that. But all of this leads to a very boring life to those outside of it. It doesn't help that the people I know fall into two categories: Fellow moms where the connection is our kids and people who are childless or part time childless. With all of the other kids from the moms group going into Kindergarten in schools this fall, I will not be surprised if those friends fall away, because I'll be the only one with a kid still at home and they'll be doing a lot more with their free time. I mean, already I feel like I don't have a whole lot in common because they either have a job or a very active social life, and I don't work and I'm an introvert, so I don't go out a lot. Then with those that are childless, or part time without kids, or those with older kids I feel like I don't have anything other than my son to talk about. Or I'm severely limited in what I can do because I stay home with my son.

I just hate feeling like such an outsider. I feel like I've been an outsider my whole life. An outsider while living in the UK because I was American (though I lived immersed in the British culture), then an outsider in the US because I lived in the UK. An outsider in high school because I didn't do drugs, then an outsider because I did. An outsider because I didn't have sex, and then an outsider because I didn't sleep with a bunch of different people. An outsider because I didn't want to party all the time while in Italy, and an outsider in Italy because I'm an American. An outsider because I'm into intellectual things. An outsider because I'm an introvert. An outsider because I'm older than fellow college students. An outsider because I haven't finished college. An outsider because I have a kid. An outsider because I don't have a life. An outsider because I can no longer drink alcohol. An outsider because I have to sleep and can no longer go without it. Hell, I'm even an outsider online in the forum I'm involved in.

Most of all an outsider because I have a huge label stamped on me: Bipolar. Now that's a big one that I'll never live done.

Damnit.

I'm tired of being an outsider. I'm tired of being boring.

But at the same time, I'm tired of feeling like a fake. I faked it all through high school after I endured the lesson of the things I did wrong in middle school. By the time I was in the Navy and living in Italy, I was so worn out from faking it that I shut down and shut myself away. And I think I would've stayed that way if I hadn't met my husband. Having my kid made it imperative that I didn't shut myself away again because he needs to learn how to be around others. It didn't help that my mental health turned into a disaster his first few years. I feel like I'm still trying to make up for that time to those that were involved in it. I still see the effects that time created in people.

It sucks.

Is there anywhere on this planet where I belong?

Is there anyone I don't bore?

Is it possible to live without having to fake everything?

Can I be me?

Or is that too boring?

And worst of all, is there going to be a point that even my son no longer can stand me? Will I have to fake it for him too?

1 comment:

TrishDe said...

I feel pretty much the same way on most things you posted about. I truly believe some of it is all in our heads and due to low self-esteem or we're just not given the opportunity to talk about things we're passionate about in social settings. We are our own worst critic. I never think of you as bipolar even though you've spoken to me about it a couple times, though I've never witnessed any symptoms of yours probably due to your medication doing its job.

The only thing I am looking forward to about August is getting out of the house and all the exercise I will be doing. Having something to look forward to can make all the difference in the world. In June while I was doing Zumba and the boot camp classes I didn't experience a single bout of that crushing depressive low self-esteem mind fuck I feel about twice a month that last a few days and I didn't notice until the first week of July when my activity diminished and I was experiencing it again.

We should do a monthly girls' day outing. We'd go out to lunch, get coffee, window shop, get our nails done, whatever tickles our fancy. I don't know if you're into some of the things above, but it is nice to be pampered from time to time, and if that doesn't interest you there are other things we can do.