What I Really Want

The other day I was driving the Kid home from his Judo class when I started thinking a lot about my life, and where I've been versus where I had planned to be. I started to feel overwhelmed and sad because I was feeling like I haven't done anything. I don't have a career, I've made a mess of trying to get a degree, I got sick, I gained weight, I can't get pregnant - just all kinds of thoughts about how I've messed up with my life, how it's not what I envisioned, how I've failed. The worst was thinking about the difficulty I've had getting pregnant again. Watching the Kid play with brothers after Judo, I started to think about what he's missing in his life since I haven't given him any siblings. I mean, since I'm an only child myself (as is the Husband) I know that the Kid will be fine if he's an only for his whole life. But I didn't want that for him. I don't want that. And our family doesn't feel complete yet.

Emotions on the Run

So.

The post before this one.

Yeah...

A perfect example of one of my bipolar mood cycles.

It's very slightly embarrassing, yet for the most part I'm okay with it. I do appreciate very much the comments I received, and for the most part, when my mood is level, I'm fine with not caring if people like me or not. Yet when my mood cycles, any small insecurities I have in the back of my mind get pushed to the forefront and intensified beyond what is reasonable.

It took me a few days to recognize that I was cycling again because fortunately the medication I'm on keeps me level most of the time. But there's been some pretty stressful things this past summer that I buried down to handle them, and when one more stressful event took place, it set my mood cycling off.

So that's that.

Feel Free to Share Your Thoughts

I welcome any comments to any of my posts, even if it's to tell me I'm wrong or am, in fact, being irrational. (Though if you're going to tell me to get over myself, don't bother. Why waste your time and mine?)

Delusional? Perhaps...but maybe not.

I don't know if I'm just finally having an emotional response to some really crappy news I got today (not life threatening, so not worth going into), or if it's reality smacking me upside the head again, but I'm pissed. And hurt. And confused. Mainly, I guess, at myself.

What This Day Means to Me on the 10th Anniversary

Ten years ago today, I was stationed in Naples, Italy. I was a new sailor in the United States Navy, on the last day of 72 hours of duty, in the last three and a half hours, and looking forward to a nice 72 hours off.

A boring pathetic fuddy duddy at 28

How pathetic is it that at 28 years of age I'm a boring old housewife with no topic of conversation other than my kid? Or sometimes not even that, so I bore everyone around me?

Yes, this is a mopey, feeling sorry for myself post.

I Can Haz No Kid?

Yesterday was a day where I really didn't want to be mommy anymore. The Kid had been assigned to clean his room, and what would've been between ten and twenty minutes of work turned into an all day event. As in, 9 long hours of repeating, "Clean your room!" and "Pick up your toys!"

Oy.

Antibiotics good; Stomach cramps bad

I've been gone for a few days both because I've been busy this past weekend (I love those busy, fun weekends!) and I'm dealing with stupid stomach cramps that happen whenever I eat. It's been happening since the halfway point of taking horse pill sized antibiotics for a nasty ear infection. And it's annoying. I'm hoping a regime of yogurt filled with live cultures and some probiotic chewable wafers will help since that's the only thing I can think of causing so much ickiness in my gut. And I'm still tired and sleep deprived thanks to these pretty painful cramps that are strong enough to wake me from my Seroquel coma.

Wheeeee!

Too much? Too little? Nah, it's just right.

How boring am I? I'm sitting here while the kid is outside somewhere (I'm hoping he's still around...), the husband is at a friend's house, and I'm trying to find activities for the kid to do this summer. Not playing Grand Theft Auto 4, or the Sims 3, or even Facebook games. I'm stressing out, thinking I need to get the kid more involved in stuff, to get him out of the house.

Strange Day

Yup, today has been a strange day. Which means that I'm feeling a bit out of it mentality. To anyone stumbling upon this blog, I have bipolar II disorder, a milder form of bipolar disorder. I have hypomanic episodes instead of manic ones, and I've been in treatment for it for 3 1/2 years now. This means that though I'm pretty good mood-wise most of the time, I still have off days, and today is one of them. It's my own fault really. I've gone to bed at 1am the last two nights, and lack of enough sleep always knocks me for a loop. It's an extremely bad habit of mine that I haven't stopped yet, that I've been lectured to about by my therapist the whole time I've seen her. I can't fully explain why I still do it.